the bottom

Well, I finally came face-to-face with the gestational diabetes. While I don't normally open up my email for all to see (well, all 2 of you who read this), it is the most honest I have been to myself about the situation. I wrote the following email to my sister on Wednesday:

I finally broke at 12:05 p.m. I was sitting there with my salad in front of me and my 8 oz. of milk, and I just started crying hard. I just saw it - me, sitting in front of the tv, alone, watching baby story, and a salad I have to eat that I don't want to eat, and I was nauseous 15 minutes prior and feeling really hot and I kept thinking 'I DON'T WANT TO EAT RIGHT NOW, AND I REALLY DON'T WANT A SALAD.' And it's not fair, I can't eat when I want to or what I want to. And it's only day 2, and I'm not supposed to lose willpower yet, and I'm supposed to be motivated for the sake of the baby's health. But it's not about hurting the baby because I want dessert. I'm pissed and devastated at the same time, and I feel guilty, and I know I shouldn't but people telling me so doesn't make it so. Even now, 22 minutes after starting, I am still crying in spells, scaring the crap out of Sadie. I'm tired, and my movements are relegated to 15 minutes of cardio 30 minutes after eating. I don't see how I can do this for 8-10 weeks. I really feel like I'm losing my mind.

Admittedly, a lot came out at once. I used to have a roommate who cried in the shower because it was easier, and you were already wet. I picked up the idea because it made sense - whenever things just get to be too much, inevitably I will lay down my guard and let it out in the shower. You don't have to cover the sounds, and nobody wonders why your door was locked.

Jessica wrote back immediately, reminding me it will get easier, it will become something over which I have power, it will one day end. And it has gotten easier, if only because I have given up and succumbed to it. I "swallow my pill," as it were, every day, but it is easier because I've finally let go of the knot in my throat. I've made the decision that there is no decision to be made - I have to do it "just because."

And for anyone visiting at the birth/after the birth, please bring the following: Subway cold-cut combo with extra mayo on white bread; Coke classic on ice; Krispy Kreme glazed donuts fresh from the oven; a limeade; carrot cake with tons of cream cheese icing; Tudor's Biscuit World peppi (hey, a girl can dream); and a bowl of Kraft Mac 'n Cheese spirals.