hooked on a feeling

There is a phenomenon that comes with parenthood that nobody told me about. But the difficulty comes in describing it. Ever tried describing grief? Or heartache? Or birth? Or, better yet, an orgasm? You can't. We simply don't have the words that describe it as well as the actual experience of it. But I will try.

See, I've always been a deep sleeper. I used to wake up and say, "What hurricane? I didn't hear a thing." My college roommate blow-dried her hair while I slept. In a tiny cinderblock room. I can sleep anywhere and I generally fall asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. But ever since Britton entered our bedroom I cannot sleep like I used to. Sure, she makes sounds - hiccups, farts, general sighs, yelps, and when she's ready to get up, small cries - but that's not what keeps me up. As soon as I lay down, my body feels like Jolt is pulsing through my veins. You know that sketchy feeling you'd get after pulling an all-nighter studying for exams in college, hyped up on caffeine pills and massive amounts of coffee? It's like nervous shaking. And the minute I get tucked in I feel it. And when Britton makes her sounds it pulls me from whatever deep sleep I'm in.

I was convinced that pregnancy made you pee every two hours to get you ready for getting up with the baby. But when getting up to pee I never had to stay awake for thirty minutes and breastfeed on my non-back supporting couch with me cursing the DVR for messing up. Everything is an adjustment.

So that brings me back to this adrenalin-shaky-Jolt feeling. I know it is so I will wake up to the baby's needs, and I do. But I came to a realization last night. And it is this............. This feeling never goes away. Beyond feedings and diaper changes there will be bad dreams, and needs of glasses of water, and "I don't feel good," and boogeymen, and then later teenagers trying to sneak out, and me waiting to hear my children come home at their early-morning curfews. I will spend the next eighteen years of night listening for my children, my body at the ready to jump up, energy pulsing through me even as I sleep.