home alone

Tonight is the first time ever that the hub and I have been home alone without Britton. I have been away when visiting family, and the hub has been on business trips, and we've gotten babysitters before when going on date night. But this is the first time we are home and Britton is not. See, Grandma and Grandpa were itching to have Britton sleep over, and while I was more apprehensive the hub was all for it. My apprehension has nothing to do with Grandma and Grandpa's ability to care for Britton, but is completely about my fear of Britton's milestones. Sleeping away tonight, college tomorrow. But, over-reaction aside, I consider Britton, who is so accustomed to her schedule and surroundings, sleeping somewhere besides home to be a milestone.

We went over the Grandma and Grandpa's for homemade pizza for dinner, and this time we brought Britton's sleep-over bag. Which included her video monitor, iPod with white noise and docking, bath accessories, lotion, diapers, extra clothes, pajamas, and the list goes on. And we were excited for our night off, though with Britton's early bedtime we were more excited about tomorrow morning. No alarms, no breakfast-making, no changing of soggy diapers and finding of Winnie. But when we got home tonight, I was putting away some things in Britton's room and looked at her empty crib and got sad. I have now gotten to the point, nineteen months and two weeks later, that when Britton isn't with me I miss her. I no longer crave time off like I used to, when the pressures of first-time parenthood responsibility were overwhelming. I became tired of being in charge, which then turned into resentment that my life was so different, so child-centric. The first few months of Britton's life all I wanted was to be alone - no one asking me for things, no one crying, no one needing to be fed or changed or burped. I needed no one to need me.

But times change, and as I was promised by so many other moms, it got easier. Britton stopped needing me for everything and became more independent. And it is in this independence that her personality shines. She is a great kid and I love being around her, no longer resentful. In fact, I sometimes wonder if my feelings at the beginning were all wrong - it would kill me now to not be the center of her world.

As usual, it takes me longer to adjust than Britton. When I checked in after bedtime, Grandma let me know that Britton went to bed fine, no fussing, and was sleeping soundly. Meanwhile, I had been thinking about her every five minutes. Finally, after getting some ice cream with the hub and settling in to watch Jackass 3 (without having to turn the volume down) I let my apprehension go. It's a win-win. Grandma and Grandpa get one-on-one time with Britton, Britton gets to be spoiled with affection and treats and attention, and the hub and I get to watch loud movies. And leave the house together at any hour without a babysitter. And sleep in, with no alarms set.