judge

It happened yesterday. The hub dropped Britton off at daycare in the morning because I had to go into work early. At the daycare was a family who was dropping their baby off for the first time. As in, this was the first time they were meeting the daycare providers that would watch their daughter for hours a day, the first time her providers were being told her likes and dislikes, how much she eats and when, as if they would remember it all. When the hub told me this, my first thought was how irresponsible these people were. Yes, I judged. I figured, if you can't be bothered to put some effort into making your child comfortable with their new surroundings, what kind of a parent must you be? Drop off a baby in a new place and leave? No way.

This morning, as I was hauling Britton out of the car, I noticed a new girl in the parking lot. She too was taking her daughter out of the car, but she was more cautious, unsure. And her baby was so much younger than Britton. This girl held the door for me, and made her way to the check-in computers, apprehensive as to what to do next. I took Britton to her classroom, and as I handed her off to Ms. E, this new girl and her baby walked through the door of Britton's room. And I knew this woman was the one the hub had described the day before. And I thought to myself, so this is the lady who just throws her kid into a new daycare. This is the irresponsible parent.

But then I noticed that she was crying. And she was so upset about handing off her daughter, so unsure of how to proceed in these new waters. And I instantly felt like my insides were made of lead. How did I pretend to know what kind of person she is? Maybe she didn't bring her baby in earlier because she couldn't bear the thought of daycare. Maybe she just recently learned that she either went back to her job, or there was no job to go back to.

Maybe it was none of my business.

We all do it. We all judge, but I know that as a mom, I judge the most. I point the finger at every mistake others make. And I do it in the hopes that no one notices my mistakes. It's painfully easy to be judgmental about parenting before you have children. Everything is in absolutes - my child will NEVER wear disposable diapers, we will only speak to the baby in Mandarin, my baby will ALWAYS wear organic clothing weaved by nuns from the underbelly of the goats of Nepal, our child will NEVER watch television, my baby will ALWAYS act perfect in public. But as a parent, I have learned the lesson that you pick your battles. Try to win the war, and you've already lost.

So why is it so easy, so acceptable almost, for moms to judge each other? As a public defender, some of my clients were useless, drug-addicted, uneducated, horrendous people. And yet, I wondered what mistakes their mothers made to make them that way. Screw freedom of choice when you have a mom to blame.

Lent is coming up and even though I'm not Catholic, I'm going to try my hardest to give up this crutch. I'm going to accept my own shortcomings and rejoice in my strengths. I'm going to be a member of the world of mothers, instead of its loudest critic.

I'm going to stop pointing the finger and offer a hand.